So, I have to open in the morning, but I’ve been in a crazy mood for the past couple days. Tonight, this crazy mood is keeping me from going to sleep, which is not a good thing. I closed tonight, and I have to open in the morning.
So, here is my mood in a nutshell. I am thankful. I’m scared. I’m confused, I’m sappy, I’m disheartened, and I also happen to be sick; and because of all of these things, my mind is going ninety miles an hour thinking about everything all at once. Therein lies my dilemma. Time to break all these things down, and by the time I get done writing about all of them, I should be exhausted enough to go to bed and get enough rest to get up and work in the morning.
1. Thankful– Over the last few weeks, I’ve come out to a whole new plethora of people in my life. Before I was limiting my coming out process to only my friends, excluding my sister-in-law who found out by accident that I was gay. I finally found the courage to tell my parents, and they were so much more supportive than I ever thought I could expect from them. In turn, I told you, Heather (probably the only person that reads this blog mainly because I don’t hugely publicize it). I was never sure how you would react when you found out. I somewhat expected you to hate me, knowing that I had been living a lie under the guise of our relationship. But, you weren’t. You were loving and supportive, and you continue to be one of the best people in my life. For that I can never thank you enough.
2. Scared & Confused– Back in July, I started dating Kevin. It was probably the best two months of my life, but then he started to pull away from me. He broke off our relationship in September, telling me that he wasn’t in a place to get involved in a serious relationship and that he needed some time to pull himself together and get himself back to a better place in his life. Now he’s back. He says that he’s doing much better, and wants to get involved in my life again. He wants to take things slower than we did before, focusing on a friendship first and then see where things go from there. He’s not opposed to a relationship again but wants to take things slowly so as not to put either of us in a position to get hurt again. I’m scared, because I already know how I feel about him, and I’m not sure if just being friends with him will ever be enough. At the same time, I don’t want to exert my desire for a relationship with him and push him away again. I once found a quote that said “The worst part about being your friend is loving you so much.” That’s exactly how I feel right now. I want to be able to be his friend, but my heart is screaming for more.
3. Sappy– Ok, so this one is just me being me most of the time, and it’s kind of vamped up by the fact that Kevin is back in the picture. My mind has sent me on a hunt for overly powerful sap songs and has found quite a few of them. Now I’m stuck listening to only these songs, and they all remind me of what I feel for Kevin. That would be fine, except they all kind of just make me feel all blah, because I know that none of these songs really pertain to Kevin and me right now. They’re really just what I wish was between us. Depressing, right?! (I really should apologize for writing all of this, because I know that you’re out searching for the Mr. Right too, and we’re kind of in the same boat.)
4. Disheartened– I had to make a decision that I really didn’t want to make recently. I had to decide whether or not I was going to up and quit Dominos in time to be home for Thanksgiving or to stay until December 4th, which would secure another paycheck from them before I start at Teletech. Well, I’m swimming in bills right now (just got a call from Cox Health today saying that UnitedHealthcare has not reprocessed a claim from my hospital visit in July, meaning I might owe them $3,000 on top of all my credit cards and student loans. It never stops!). I decided that I couldn’t afford to be without that paycheck, and so for the first time in my life, I’m going to be away from my family for Thanksgiving. I’ve already had a couple of those break down days after thinking about it. I know it shouldn’t be that huge, but I already go months at a time without seeing my family, and now I have to miss being with them during one of the only times in the year where we’re all together in the same place.
5. Sick– I have managed to pick up something rather annoying in the last couple of days. I guess I’m sick, but I’m not sure. I have burny eyes, a stuffy nose at times, and a frog in my throat that kind of feels like something is stuck in there, but it’s not sore. Weird right?! All of this has been accompanied by a headache that never seems to go away without the aid of my friend Extra Strength Excedrin. It’s annoying, and it’s been putting me in a really foul mood. Dear body: get over it already. Kick this whatever-it-is in the ass and pull it together.
Well, that’s the long drawn out version of my weird feelings here lately. And now I’m off to bed, because 8:45a is going to come hella fast.