December Writing Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: What is the stupidest thing you did this year? What about in your whole life? You can take stupid to mean: embarrassing, dangerous, funny, lame, whatever you consider ‘stupid’.

A lot has happened this year, and I have definitely made more than one mistake over the course of 2011; however, if I had to pick one mess up from the year and call it the stupidest or biggest mistake, I would say that I could have been a lot more financially responsible. I’m out on my own, paying my own bills, and the parents aren’t supporting me anymore with their checkbook. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you can support yourself without leaning on someone else. I have bills that need to be paid, and more bills that are on there way to my door. I will be the first to admit that I have an undying love for Starbucks and for books, and I eat out quite a bit as well. I’m not a penny pincher, but these are all places where I could have been a little tighter with money and maybe put an extra $20 or so toward a credit card payment or into my savings account. Just a little thing that one must learn. Life happens, and it goes on.

As far as the stupidest thing that I’ve done over the course of my entire life? That’s an easy one. I let my fears prey on me and make me their victim. I’ve hidden under a rock of my own insecurities, and it’s taken me far longer that I would have liked to accept myself for who I am and to love myself in spite of what others might say or think about me. I grew up in a very small town with very conservative values, but my life didn’t hold to those values. As a result, I thought of myself as wrong and decided I needed to change my life to fit the standards of everyone else. I fought with myself for years to change what I thought should be changed, but it didn’t matter in the end. I discovered that you can’t change who you are as a person. You don’t control the feelings and emotions that you have.

After I finally accepted myself for who I was, I still allowed my fears to play a part in my life. I hid from my friends and family the part of me that I had finally allowed myself to be. Finally, on May 7, 2010, I told two of my close friends/co-workers the secret that I kept to myself for as long as I can remember. From there, I began telling others that were close to me, and I allowed myself to live as the person I was meant to. My life has been so much better since I started coming out to my friends, and recently my family. Not constantly living two different lives has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. I would do anything for my friends and family, but it felt really nice to be able to do this one thing for myself.

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