Fragmented Pieces

Everything has shattered, but I didn’t notice the falling fragments of what used to be my happiness until each individual piece came at me fast and hard. Individually, the fragments are minor and unimportant. Little things that would normally not bother me; they’re things that could easily be brushed off. When put together, however, they form a picture of what has become my daily nightmare. Constant reminders of self-disappointments and failures. These pieces are the negative things that have all seemed to hit my life at once.

College. It’s that thing you do after high school. It’s supposed to help you gain the skills and abilities you need to land the job of your dreams. And dreams don’t come cheap. I knew that going in, but I still went for it. I succeeded in finishing out my college career, graduating with a degree in Middle School Education, but then I made a choice that became a double edged sword: I kept going with college instead of looking for a teaching job. Perfect in the fact that I graduated college again with my Master’s Degree but destructive in the fact that now I’m a first-year teacher with no outside-of-college teaching experience who has a Master’s Degree. In this economy, getting a teaching job with those credentials has proved challenging and so far unsuccessful. What of my other degree, though? As of yet, I haven’t found anything there either. My experience is with ResLife, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. I no longer desire a job that requires me to live on campus, because it’s stressful going home at the end of the day but never truly escaping your work.

Money. I hate it. No matter how much you make, it’s never enough. When you’re not making enough, it’s even worse. When it was time for taxes to be done, I made grand plans to use my return to pay off some of my lower balance credit cards. College left me with quite a chunk of debt, and I thought that would be a great way to cut down on some of it. Then I was laid off from Teletech for two months and denied unemployment, which forced me to reevaluate my use of the tax money, so I could survive those two months in between projects. I’m also being turned in circles over some medical bills and the financial assistance process, which becomes more and more stressful every day it seems. There’s always one more hoop to jump through.

Love. Not really a huge deal, right? Being single? It shouldn’t be I know. I should be holding on to the idea that there’s someone just right out there who is waiting just for me; all I have to do is find him. But I’ve felt the sharp stab of love’s sword twice now, which has left me with an unrelenting fear of finishing out my life alone. The fear that maybe I’m not good enough to find someone just for me. The fear that someone doesn’t even exist.

All of these fears and failures have been dog-piling on me here lately, and I don’t know why. I know that I’m strong enough to deal with all of these things, but lately I fear that I’m not. That soon I’m going to be crushed under their weight and that I’m going to break under the pressures that they create. I’m trying hard to not disappoint my parents as I continue to search for jobs in my degree fields. I’m trying hard not to worry about how far my next paycheck is going to stretch, and I’m trying hard not to let the fear of spending the rest of my life alone consume me.

Sometimes, though, the unending battle of “trying” seems like just too much. I need a break from it all. I’m not giving up. I’m better than that. I just needed to vent and get it all out there, because writing it out makes it real and tangible for me. I can read over it again and again until it seems insignificant and manageable again. And trust me when I say that it helps to have friends and family that love and support me no matter what. People that I could talk to about anything, and I know they would listen. For that, I can never say thank you enough.

“Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is.” -Maxim Gorky

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