Today, I decided that I was going to clean my room (or start the process of…there’s a lot to be done, both in my room and around the house…thank you roommate for the house part). As I was rummaging around the bookshelves, picking up clutter. Tossing things out here and there that had collected on the shelves out of my laziness to not just toss them where they should have gone in the first place (the garbage or the bill pile), I came across something that I had displaced from my mind for quite some time.
It wasn’t anything major (at least nothing that most people would consider major) but to me, in a way, it’s everything I ever wanted and everything I hoped I would never see again (despite the fact that I cannot make myself throw it away). A note. That’s it; just a note. Most people would react that way had I told them I found a note and was now convinced the rest of my day would be miserable; however, to me it’s not just a note. It’s a part of my past (kinda recent past actually) that I can’t and don’t want to get rid of, hence the inability or lack of desire to actually get rid of it. It’s the note that Kevin wrote me a couple months after we’d broken up.
In the note, he apologized for hurting me and told me all of these wonderful things that he thought of me. He tried to explain why he pushed away from me, and he tried to reconcile with me. At the end of the note, he even said he regretted his decision and understood if I didn’t still want to be with him, but that he would leave that choice up to me. I pushed a little toward mending our relationship, and I messaged him a few times on Facebook, which brought promises of going out together to try and start things back off slowly. None of which ever happened. Today, we talk only occasionally, and for a while I’d thought my mind free of the feelings I felt for him (not that I’m dumb enough to think that they’d ever really go away, but I thought that they were at least tampered down enough to not be a mind wrecking gut wrencher throughout my day).
I was wrong. Finding and rereading the note was just as painful today as it was the first time I read it and found out they were just words. I’m not really sure why he wrote the note; it’s fairly clear now that they were just words and nothing more than that. Maybe his apology was sincere, but that’s not really the part that I’m bent out of shape about. When I read that note, I only see the part where he says “I leave that decision to you.” The words that left some hope in mind at one point, thinking that I might still have a chance with him. A hope that was shattered fairly quickly by his lack of response to my attempts.
This is likely the most depressing thing I’ve written in a while, and for that I apologize; however, I’m hoping that by getting it out in writing, I might be able to go throughout the rest of my day without thinking on it too much, though I know that’s not likely to happen. I need a getaway more than ever. Arkansas, for what it’s worth, should help a little with that. I’ll be too busy scrambling around to different things to think too much, I hope.
Nothing can beat the time spent with a friend, though, which needs to happen soon-ish. 🙂
Sorry for the overly not-so-happy blog post.